Interview with world’s greatest wine maker Carlo Rossi.

Mike: This is a great honor Mr. Rossi. I have been a fan of your wines for many years.

Carlo Rossi: I am a big fan of your zine, Mike. So the pleasure is all mine.

Mike: So tell me Mr. Rossi did you learn your trade in the wine country of France perhaps somewhere in Italy?

Carlo: To tell you the truth I thought about going to France. Hiring a bunch of those French boys to stomp on grapes all day, but then I though to myself, fuck it. I don’t speak French so how the hell am I going to tell those French boys what I want them to do. Most people would have given up at that point. Faced with that type of what we in business call an ob-sti-cle. But not Carlo.

Who needs the fucking French. I figure a French boy stomping on grapes or a crack whore with a hundred packs of grape cool aid. What’s the difference? As long as the product comes out great. And Carlo Rossi tastes great. It’s got what we in the business call – great taste.

Mike: It certainly does. Now where is Carlo Rossi based. I hear most of our great North American wine makers are out of California.

Carlo: I like California. I really do and no offense to all the wine makers out in Cali but Carlo likes to do things a little different. Rent in California is kinda pricey. You know if you got the loot California would be great. However, I find New Jersey to be more in line with our corporate philosophy.

Mike: So you started you company out of New Jersey, very ingenious Mr. Rossi. Was it tough starting out?

Carlo: Entering the wine business is easier than you would think. For instance most of your wine makers would tell you that you need giant wooden vats to ferment your wine, the right grapes, someone who studied wine makin’ at Jersey City community collage. That’s what they would tell you.

Mike: But that’s not the truth?

Carlo: That shit’s expensive. I invented the Carlo Rossi wine makin’ technique, which gives us our unique taste.

Mike: What is this technique Mr. Rossi?

Carlo: All you really need is a bathtub, a crack whore, your grape cool-aid and some vinegar. I didn’t even have a place to start the business so I would just make my wine over the weekend in a hotel room off exit 40.

Mike: I thought it could take years for wine to age correctly.

Carlo: That’s what they tell you. But half a teaspoon of battery acid and the shit ferments right away. No problem.

Mike: I don’t get it. If you make the wine then what’s the crack whore for?

Carlo: Well it ferment’s quickly but not right away. You may find yourself with a couple of extra hours on your hands while the shit’s cooking up. That’s where the crack whore comes in.

Mike: Mr. Rossi you really think of everything. Now Mr. Rossi rumor has it that Carlo is an alias.

Carlo: Yeah. It’s like with a great writer. You know Mark Twain was actually name Samuel Clemens. Most people are uninformed about that type of thing. He could change his name because he was a great artist. I am a great wine maker so I should be able to change mine. To tell you the truth most people would rather buy their wine from Carlo Rossi that Jerry Rosselli. That’s just the way people in this industry like to do it.

Mike: Thank you for your time Mr. Rossi. I’ll see you at your next tasting.

Carlo: Our next tasting will be at that new Wet and Lovely tittie bar conveniently located off Exit 40 so it should be very convenient for you.

Mike: It certainly will.