current issue number (3) : January 2003 (give or take a month)

An Attack on the Fashion Industry is an Attack on us All!

By New York Fashion Industry spokesperson: Giovanni Saint Lauren – Bardot.

No industry has been struck harder or is in more need of your support today than the hardworking gay men and heterosexual women that make up the American Fashion industry. These harbingers of pretense and overpriced cloths that you will never be able to pronounce, let alone afford, are seriously affected by the current political situation.

Bin Ladin and the terrorist network that he supports not only wants you cowering in terror afraid of his next attack, but he wants you dressed like a cab driver while you’re doing it. This is why we are asking the little hard working people that make this country great: the farmers, the factory workers, and big dirty strapping men everywhere to think a little bit about the people who would regularly look down on you this holiday season.

Put a little something extra in the tasteful yet chic stocking of a runway designer. Put an extra leaf of lettuce on the table of a hundred and five pound model during this season of giving. Purchase some shoes that you can’t quite afford or a scarf that costs a little too much.

There is probably some poor tasteless dock worker out their right now saying to himself ‘But Giovanni Saint Lauren-Bardot, I want to do my part but how can I purchase a twelve hundred dollar Prada Jacket and more importantly, how do I accessorize if I do?’ If you are asking yourself this question, then I can tell from my extensive industry experience that the jacket is not right for you.

You should still give in other ways. The fashion challenge of the jacket may be a little too much for you. Most unfashionable people don’t understand that the regular cloths that they know and love can be just as overpriced. Put a pair of Theory jeans on layaway or charge a Diesel belt on your visa and then pay it off over the next few years. Consider it a mortgage payment that you can wear.