current issue number (3) : January 2003 (give or take a month)

   Mike’s Metro Bus Adventure!

If I’m looking for a good conversation, a new friend or that special someone for an evening of flagrante delectos there is only one place I go: mass transit. Yes the bus, Greyhound or Metro, day or night, you’ll always have a friend sitting next to you. For me the bus is more than just a way to get from point A to point B, it is a little slice of America, a delicious slice as far as I’m concerned.

I know what you’re saying to yourself. “But Mike, the bus, why would I ride the bus?” I look at each bus ride as an opportunity. A bus ride is an unending cornucopia of new tastes and surprises. You never know what or whom you’ll find next to you. That’s why I have written this little guide to a new mass transit adventure.

Bring on the good eatin! Many unfortunate people have not found out about all the great food that is available for free on the bus. I can usually pick up all the groceries I need in a few hours. It seems like someone is always leaving a nice bag of fruit, a baloney sandwich or an extra hostess cupcake on the seat next to me. Sometimes they are even nice enough to unwrap it!

Meetin’ the Gals! It is a little known fact that most beautiful women consider a bus ride just the place to strike up a conversation with Mr. Right. It’s easy to meet them too. Just grab a seat next to the gal of your choice and let her know that you’re interested, with a wink. It’s never good to show up empty handed. I usually like to bring along a can of Miller High Life or St. Ides. A quick informal survey of fellow passengers will confirm that these are popular metro brands. I find that the forty-ounce size is just perfect for two.

If she takes a little time warming up to you, try to make her comfortable. I always like to mention that I am not a convicted sex offender, so she will know that she is perfectly safe with me. If you still need a little help in the romance department, take a page from my play book. Tell her she looks like a popular porn star and name all your favorite scenes in alphabetical order. She’ll be impressed with your knowledge of the cinema and flattered that you took the time to notice.

FUN GAMES FOR THE BUS

1. Name that Body Fluid – It’s bird watching for the amateur physician. I usually bring along a high school biology book so I can identify the really rare ones.

2. Felony or Misdemeanor – Are you going to do a week or a six-year stretch? Learn the legal ramification of your actions with this metro favorite!

3. Greyhound Ad Libs are the best thing since Yatzee!

- When I catch that bitch, I’ll ______ (verb) the shit out of her.

- What the fuck are you looking at ______ (noun).

- ________ (Expletive) _________ (expletive) _________ (expletive).

4. Who’s the serial killer, now!

5. Can I sit next to you, if I promise not to pee myself again? - Bladder control can be a challenge for anyone, and I can tell you from experience bein’ on the sauce only makes it worse. Explaining personal problems to random strangers is a blast with this game for two.

6. My invisible friend, Mr. Buttons, thinks you’re pretty. – Playing a game alone can get boring. That’s why I like to bring along a friend. Remember paranoid delusions can often be just as fun as real people, and they always ride for free.