current issue number (4) : February 2003 (give or take a month)

Mike gets a Dolphin Tattoo

When you get a tattoo you should get something that’s important to you, a symbol of your unique place in the universe. My animal spirit has always been the dolphin, the most intelligent animal in the sea. That is why I recently got a dolphin tattoo on my ankle. I know what you're saying to yourself, “But Mike, a dolphin tattoo, isn’t that a little crazy? What, did you join a street gang or suddenly become some kind of rap star?” To this I respond, “no”. I’m still the same lovable zine editor that brought you such classics as Rapid City Anarchist and Fun Games on Metro.

The dolphin is my Native American animal spirit, a spiritual token of my tie to the land and the water. With my new tattoo I feel like a juvenile Bottlenose dolphin, wagging my elongated tail fin up and down, completely fucking naked and chasing edible fish like crazy. Just doing crazy dolphin shit like back flips in the air or swimming backwards, straight up, like they do at Sea World.

I mean, think about it. Like say your animals spirit was like a rabbit or a really big ground hog and you were out in the woods collecting berries. Then say for instance that you fall in the ocean. Not for any particular reason but then again who knows, everyone falls in the ocean at some point.

As a dolphin spirit I would probably be able to kill you and then throw your bloody corpse through a big hoop ten feet in the air. It’s shit like that makes my dolphin tattoo so much fun. I mean who knows, with my spiritual connection to the dolphin, I can do fucking crazy dolphin shit that you don’t even know about.

I used to worry about being a dolphin. I was afraid that dolphins might lay eggs instead of fucking or maybe they do some freaky sexual stuff that I might not enjoy without a few drinks. I mean think about it: would you want to lay an egg and they try to guard it for a few months?

I’ve always liked dolphins because they don’t mate for life like other animals. Not a lot of other people know that kind of thing. A dolphin likes to fuck around with the whole school. He’s banged half the fuckin' pacific before he’s even twenty. That’s just the way they do it. They also live a long time, and never have to brush their teeth. Those are big advantages if you ask me. One other thing, no dolphin has ever gotten arrested for back child support. Get the picture?