Carlo Rossi Wine, Wine in a Box, Cheap Wine

Carlo Rossi (the Genius Behind Wine in a Box) explains his Business Secrets

Idea Co-Developed by : Mike, Dr. Steve, Sean, Chav

Carlos here. After the overwhelming response to my last interview on Mike’s Zine, Mike asked me if I could come back and do some writing for the magazine. When a prestigious literary source like Mike’s Zine asks you to write, how can you say no? I certainly couldn’t. Mike’s Zine sits on my coffee table right between my Hustler and The Jersey City Wine Maker in a position of honor. Not that I do not have my criticism of Mike’s editorial style. I mean, what kind of magazine is going to have you read like more than four paragraphs without showing you some naked hotties? I certainly can’t name one.

And that was when I realized what Mike’s master plan is. He is trying to educate the youth of America. He is saying to the youth: reading is good, and it is good to read. Give them a little helpin’ hand so they keep on the straight and narrow. I have to respect a man of honor, and Mike is a man of honor. I need to do my own part. That is why I decided to write an article about how to be a big success in business, like me.

Not everyone has been blessed the way I have been. I need to take a little time to enjoy the fruits of my success and to pass a little something onto the next generation. I am sitting here in a lawn chair at the Carlo Rossi corporate headquarters, locker 223 at the port authority bus terminal. I love it here. Bein’ a big shot CEO, you should never be too far from the customer. Every day I see folks around here enjoying the great taste of Carlo Rossi wine, whether they’re passed out next to a urinal or screaming their head off about the government controlling their brains from outer space -- I can recognize my customers anywhere.

And that is the first key of business. Know your customer. Never separate yourself from the people that put money in your pocket.

The second key to success is to have a great business plan. A professional wrestler would never enter the ring unless he knew how he was going to beat the shit out of the other wrestler. I mean, do you think that he just hits somebody with a chair and that’s all there is to it? Fuck No, he plans for success as you should plan for success in your business venture. That is what a business plan is. Here is my first business plan, the blueprint, if you will, to the Carlo Rossi Empire.

(Click to Expand)

If you are in the fine wine makin’ industry then you will find that distribution is everything. If your customer can’t find your wine then he certainly can’t get a good buzz from it. Pretty simple when you think about it. One day I was makin’ wine in a hotel room bath tub off route forty, and bam! The next year I’m the favorite beverage of every fuckwit’ and derelict from coast to coast. I love distribution and thank God that the vice president of ADME Distibution loves a chorus boy named Denny. Things just work out that way when you plan for success the way I do. Distribution is the third key to success.

The fourth key to business success is promotions. You need the to create a brand name by associatin’ yourself with the right images. Carlo Rossi has created an image of success, great flavors and above all class. Nothin’ brings more class to an individual than Carlo Rossi Wine. I am not above imitation. When I first saw those Budweiser girls. I thought ,“’Holy shit! Titties and booze, now that’s two great tastes that go great together.” I tried to hire my own spokesmodels but as we both know, that shit is expensive. I mean, most spokesmodels aren’t working for a five-gallon jug of Carlo Rossi. Notice that I said most. I did happen to find a few gals that were a little more reasonable with their rates.

ROSSI GIRLS: Get your love on with the CR!

Carlo Rossi Wine, Wine in a Box, Cheap Wine