smoking humor, phillip morris humor, FDA humor

Philip Morris takes over FDA: Tar and Nicotine added to Fruits and Vegetables food group

Phillip Morris took a leadership position today with the United States Food and Drug Administration. Phillip Morris spokesperson, James Tolbern, immediately announced “wide spread changes” in the way that some substances are being classified by the FDA. Nicotine and tar, controversial cigarette additives, will no longer be explicitly mentioned in cigarette warning labels. Instead, both substances will be re-designated as vitamins and will be included in the fruits and vegetables food group. Tolbern announced that warning labels will still be included recently discovered side effects.

1) Profound increase in size of male genitalia
2) Increased predisposition toward careers in fashion modeling among teenage girls

“This fruits and vegetables group will not only contain vitamins such as tar and nicotine but other essential minerals found in cigarettes including ammonia and Phenylacetaldehyde,” said Tolbern. “Nutritional information will be added to tobacco products so all families can now be sure they are getting enough Methyl 3-Methylthiopropionate and Isoamyl Octanoate in their diets. School districts will be expected to update their health education curriculum and school lunches in the next few months.”

The new FDA directive will issue elementary school students a pack of government cigarettes once a day, and classrooms will be outfitted with smoking parlors. In the spirit of increasing student awareness and responsibility, all pupils will be required to provide their own lighters and smoking jackets.

smoking humor, phillip morris humor, FDA humor